How to Be An Actor In New York

farewell, factor.

2007-12-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

you guys, i have been waiting and working but mostly waiting for my big break ever since i graduated tisch* and you guys, i think this is it.

the other day i was surfin' the web as i am prone to do, you know, just checkin for new lolcats and do's and don'ts and whatnot, and i remembered that sometimes they post auditions online so i logged over to good ol' craigslist.

after cruising the missed connections for awhile** i spotted this gig in the talent wanted section:

ARE YOU THE NEXT LEONARDO DICAPRIO?
Ecotainment LLC seeks singer/dancer/actor/improvisers for our upcoming non-Equity world tour: "An Inconceivable Truth: THE MUSICAL!" Please come prepared with 16 bars of a rock ballad and an original monologue on what carbon footprints mean to you. $250 per week plus room and board and the chance to change the world, one non-English-speaking audience at a time.

so i put on my hemp shirt and rolled over to chelsea studios. i walked in and introduced myself and told the accompanist he could take a break, and pressed play on my bose ipod dock and belted out futuresex/lovesound in a way that would make even timberland cry. they were pretty much bowled over and asked me to come back and look over the script. i was like, yeah okay no prob dudes.

but you guys, when i was sitting in the waiting room practicing my lines in various accents, it hit me. we are destroying our earth. you guys this is no joke. every day our cars and planes and factories and golf carts are expelling millions of carbon vapors into the ozone and even wearing sunscreen can't stop it. i don't know about you but i for one am not going to take it any longer.

all of a sudden james lipton appeared to me in a vision: "factor: what was the moment you knew your art was changing people's lives?"

and i knew that moment was now. i mean, then. which was now at the time.

so i said to myself "no day but today" and went in there and read that scene like anthony hopkins meets edward norton meets keanu reeves. needless to say, i booked the part.

so here's the clincher peeps: apparently my ibook was made from socially irresponsible materials so i can't take it on tour. hence, i gotta end the blog.

don't cry for me blog reader. i'm off to more noble pastures. pastures that are organic and full of grass-fed cows.

my mom's really proud but my dad's kinda pissed. he says this time i'm cut off for sure but he always gets irritable around the holidays. he'll understand one day when his retirement home is solar-powered.

***shout outs***

the PIT for teaching me that sometimes you gotta say yes, and.

rockstar games for leading the field in innovative interactive entertainment

harvey weinstein for eventually making me famous

the donald for teaching me the valuable business lesson that it's more important to promote yourself than have a quality product

anthony robbins for helping me to believe

those folks over at capes coaching - i'm not really sure what they do and there's no way i need it anyway, but i got some pretty good print work the past two years as their poster model

***non-shout outs***

all the agents who didn't sign me

chick at barcade last saturday night who gave me a fake number

jake gyllenhaal

ok peace out dudes. and always remember the words of me:

"talent is the whole equation."

the famousest,

factor von factor

----------------------

*okay so i have one more class to officially "graduate" and have my "degree" but i still walked at the ceremony and more importantly got the cashmoney from the g'parents so its all good.
**ladies yes that was me on the L train - no need to post just email me direct at factorvonfactor@gmail.com

***comedy comes in threes.

party with me dudes

2007-12-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

yo. i know it's been a long time since you heard all about my exciting life and exploits and whatnot so i thought i'd do something rarely done in cyberspace: invite you all to my christmas i mean hanukah i mean holiday party.

here's the deets:

Bar 13

Friday 12/14

5-8pm

13th and University

okay so this isn't really my party it's some acting school's but i heard there was free drinks and food so i'm THERE.

official warning to all turkeys

2007-11-19T13:42:00.000-08:00

yo peeps it's day 4 of my starve-till-thanksgiving fast so forgive me if i'm a little grouchy. well ok it's not just that but never mind.

oh okay fine i'll tell you.

so the other day i'm walking around times quare planning on getting discovered and this guy comes up to me and offers me tickets to avenue q on broadway for only like $50 each. so being the consummate businessman i'm like how about $49 each and he's like deal.

so i call up this chick i hang with from time to time (we'll call her persephone) and i'm all like "hey babe factor's taking you out tonight so look real pretty" and she's all "who?" and i'm like "factor - remember we did that showcase together at the fringe back in '03" and she's like "ohhhh" and i'm all "pick you up at 7." chicks always expect dinner these days but you can save a lot of money and hassle by just getting em drinks after the show if you know what i mean.

so we roll up to the theatre and THE SHOW IS NOT PLAYING. something about a strike or something. it was about as annoying as the blackout. needless to say i did not see any action, musical or otherwise, that night.

okay dudes off to connecticut for thanksgiving. probably won't be blogging because my parents internet connection is slower than the l train during rush hour.

24 hour PLAYED

2007-10-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

so actorfest was a total bust. i didn't even meet any agents and i woke up late so i didn't get into any of the casting calls. all these people came to my booth but i think they just wanted to mac the homemade chocolate chip cookies i baked all week for the occasion.

but check this dudes. i was walking down 34th street afterward, all dejected because of my capitol-L lame day, sun setting behind me and a maroon 5 song playing off in the distance, when i ran into none other than dan fogler, star of stage and screen and best known for his tony-award winning performance in that musical about kids stressing out about how to spell words and why their families don't love them.

anyways, i was like oh hey you're dan fogler and he was like yeah and i said i'm factor and he said nice to meet you actor and i said no it's factor and he was all okay dude nice to meet you and i was all do you need a co-star and he was like no and so i said please and then he said okay.

so like a whirlwind dream that is the stuff of musical comedies aimed at the tween demographic my first role was to star alongside him at the 24 hour plays on broadway. i looked ridiculous hot as per usual rockin my new awesome hugo boss suit that i got at loehmanns for like 60% off. the press was even hounding us and the new york times was all like "factor we want your autograph and an exclusive and whatnot!"

so then we went to meet with the writers and directors and i guess this was their chance to see who would do what, you know, like how i should obviously play the young dashing male ingenue who doesn't know his own handsomeness and strength. but when we got the scripts i didn't even have any makeout scenes with kristen johnston or hangin' out scenes with chris rock! something clearly had to be done.

you would think as artists they would be open to some brilliant suggestions from a fellow artist, but what really happened is that i got cut from the entire show. i didn't even get tickets to the performance, which i suggested would have been an acceptable severance package.

Dan Fogler, star of “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” on Broadway and “Balls of Fury” on the screen, is a “24 Hours” virgin, he says, and as such, he has conscientiously brought his prop: a three foot tall cardboard cutout of a stick man.
- The New York Times, Monday, October 22, 2007

tomorrow: FACTORFEST

2007-10-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

dudes, it is time to lay it all out on the table. the proverbial casting table, as it were.

tomorrow is actorfest, which as everyone knows, is like the super bowl of acting in that there are a lot of people and perhaps concessions. it's where all the nyc actors go to find out what's on the cutting edge of the acting scene, not to mention some very major casting calls by very important networks like nickelodeon and nbc and telemundo. yeah, i speak conversational spanish.

but with all that competition, i had to do something big. yeah dudes, i know what you're thinking: "Factor, you are the cat's meow - won't your good looks and natural talent cause you to stand out from the masses?" well my friends and fans, i appreciate the sentiments but i'm running for famous, so i took out a whole booth, that's right - a whole booth - where i'm gonna have headshots, a raffle contest, and refreshments for all those agents searching high and low for the next great talent.

see it to believe it: booth 101, tomorrow at actorfest.

make that: FACTORFEST.

hasta manana,

fvf

mfa-er

2007-09-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

yo dudes. is it just me or is it almost october?

well my nymf show was a total bust as the guy i'm understudying for never got sick or in a horrible accident. i'm so outta there. i should have auditioned for that underwear musical - no, not just cuz i'm mad ripped but because duh i would get to hang with hot chicks in lingerie all rehearsal long.

so what's next for factor von factor? i think i'll get an mfa in acting. are there any one year programs out there? i don't want to waste my youth on academia and whatnot.

what's in for fall? ask factor

2007-09-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

i can, without bias or exaggeration, say that BALLS OF FURY may be the best movie in the history of mankind.

looks like JT stole practically my whole summer wardrobe last night on futuresex/loveshow, not to mention all my dance moves and half my girlfriends.

blueray disc players: wave of the future. don't be left behind

itunes alert: mickey avalon is straight dope. and in light of this dude's recreational activities, this is not a figurative statement.

fashion week buzz: whatever i'm wearing is the new black.

entourage season finale: rad as per usual. don't worry vince, you'll get an offer for medellin.

my musical love kills drops in just two weeks at nymf - get your tickets now before the lead guy i'm understudying has an unfortunate accident.

oh, and i booked a hot print modeling campaign - back cover of the ross reports. go out and buy every copy you can find and just get ready to make crazy ebay dough in like ten years. that's just a little investment advice from factor von factor.

over and out.

elephants, man

2007-08-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

saw this crazy show at the fringe last night where elephants take over the world. even though i coulda played like every part in it like ten times better than every actor in it, it was totally awesome because i kid you not, i had that very dream just last week that elephants took over everything. jung would call that "syncronicity."

so check this out: i got understudy for that musical. WHAT. EV. ER. i mean, there is no feasible way the guy playing my part is doing it any justice whatsoever, but let's just say there's 29 days until opening night and **a n y t h i n g c o u l d h a p p e n** in those 29 days, catch my drift dudes? i'm not above a, shall we say, challenge.

i'm thinking about getting some new headshots. i'm telling you, my tan is rockin'.

auditioning kills

2007-08-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

dudes i still haven't heard back from that show at the NYMF. my agent (freelance) said that they had offers out to broadway people or something which is so dumb because i could totally be on broadway.

i don't get why plays and movies and tv shows want to only cast actors they already know about or are famous. it's so stupid. why don't they just take a chance on a guy like me? i mean come on, i am ridiculously talented not to mention good-looking and plus i would look good with an estimated 80% of the young starlets out there lighting up the big screen.

anyone got beastie boys tickets for mccarren pool tomorrow? i'll give you $20.

rock out with my iphone out

2007-07-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

yo dudes i know i've been scarce but things are really picking up and my career is like an avalanche, just gathering momentum the way an avalanche would gather snow falling down a mountain.

i've been emailing like every fringe show to get a part since FUTURETOWN isn't going up there again this year after all (apparently you can't repeat the same show there, whatever) but then my agent (freelance: william morris, i am still available) calls me and asks:

her - Factor! Aren't you in some band? Is it a rock band?

me - oh yeah totally. well, we're on hiatus but you know, i do. i totally do.

her - Well Factor, I hope you can sing like Jack White because you have an audition for a hot hot hot new rock musical in the New York Musical Theatre Festival - I want you to book this!

me - oh, no probs. i'm all over it.

so today i have this audition for this awesome show where i would be the lead, this rock star serial killer guy. it doesn't pay or anything but it's basically a pit stop between here and broadway. i've been practicing my audition song 'take another little piece of my heart' like day and night, not to mention trying to figure out what to wear.

what with all this stress i had to talk my parents into getting me a summer share out in the hamptons. only a half-share though, it's not like i can afford to be away what with my blossoming career. luckily my new iPhone keeps me abreast of all the latest auditions and celeb news. gotta keep up with the industry, that's just how i roll.

shout out to LiLo: girl, the media is clearly hatin' but you gotta stay strong. call me.

on it like con ed

2007-06-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

so i'm googling myself today and my blog is totally profiled on this site that's all about telling actors how to be as awesome as i am. well not like that's even possible but whatever, let the kids dream.

sorry i've been away but i've been totally on it this week dudes. on monday i hit the dance call for guys & dolls on broadway and pretty much floored them when after my 8-count i popped and locked a bit. they were all "the auditions for Step Up 2: The Streets are across the hall" and i'm like, whoa, not only am i gonna get a callback, they're already recommending me for movie auditions.

then yesterday i did a mailing to all the casting directors of classic ray-bans with the note: my future's so bright, you gotta wear shades! expecting the calls to roll in any second now.

seriously: anyone know how i can get the breakdowns?

i know i've used this pic before but chill dudes it rocks.

jackpot

2007-06-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

(via email)
Dear Factor, You sound really talented. I'd love for you to be involved in my next venture. Have your agent call me to book a meeting. Best MM

--------------

Hey What's Up Mr. Mayer,

Hey what's up. I am so pleased that you received my letter. About the whole agent thing, I don't exactly have one. This is not because I am not ridiculously talented and good looking, but because one single agent has yet to recognize my full potential and ability to make mad cash. I prefer to freelance until I find the right agent for me but rest assured I am in talks with a certain Mr. William Morris, so.

Irregardless, let's meet and do lunch (I can even put it on my parents' Amex) or I could audition for you guys or something. Some ideas I already have for a show if you're thinking of writing a vehicle for me include a rap version of Hamlet starring me as Hamlet (with robots), and a musical adaptation of the hit movie American Pie, with me playing all 4 main roles.

You can email me or my service is 212-777-2270. Well except that they cut it off whenever you're more than 10 days late on the bill, so email is probably the best.

With Great Respect,
Factor von Factor

PS - Could you get me some comp tickets for either Friday 6/22 or Sunday 6/24? I'm flexible.

factor awakening

2007-06-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael Mayer,

Congratulations on all your Tony Awards. I have not yet seen Spring Awakening due to an unfortunate mix-up with a certain ticket "broker" but my cousin tells me it is just a great show and he is way into musical theatre so he knows.

If you can't already tell by the headshot and resume I have enclosed with this letter I am requesting an audition for this musical. The following are my qualities that would bring Spring Awakening to a whole new level:

I am probably the best actor in New York

I am extremely attractive and have done print modeling (conflicts upon request)

I know many chords on both the guitar and electric guitar

I am very fast at costume changes

I have done 4 musicals which are on my resume under "Musicals"

People clapped when I left the stage after singing "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Shiek at karaoke last week

Chicks think I'm hot

High school chicks especially

I have no problem quitting my restaurant job at a moments notice

It would probably help me get the agent and Tony I'm hoping for

Mr. Mayer, your poster says "once in a lifetime a new musical comes along that changes everything." Well sir the same goes for extremely talented triple threat actors such as myself. Rest assured I will skyrocket your fame and your show will probably win even more Tony's next year.

I can be reached via cell phone or email or myspace. I look forward to working with you.

Cordially,
Factor von Factor

PS - I have also written some new songs that might improve the show's dramatic arc and am happy to discuss them with Mr. Shiek and Mr. Sater. I have forwarded each of them a copy of this letter.

this is my now

2007-05-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

yeah, so that meeting with that agent went so well that i thought i'd call her up to see if she wanted to send me out on any auditions or anything. it says "no phone/fax/visits" in the ross reports, but i figured since we met, i'm practically a client. left a message, expecting a call back any minute now.

and i just want to say for the record that it's total crap that blake lewis didn't win american idol last night. that dude's got mad skills. personal message to blake: i got your back if you ever need some guest raps on your debut album or wanna roll v-i-p in n-y-c -- holla at your boy.

gotta go whip up some lunch... been making a pretty mean chicken salad lately. i'd post the recipe but this blog is about acting and i don't want to get off-topic.

makin' a connection

2007-05-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

so after the brazil debacle that henceforth shall not be mentioned, i decided it's time to focus my strategy on the big apple, not the big mojito.

so last week i went to actors connection for one of those agent meeting things. i rocked my pink polo, which was really smart because pink polos were in 5 years ago and therefore out 4 years ago and therefore will be in again next year, so i'm like totally ahead of the curve.

the agent was this pretty hot chick from the talentshack agency named like fauna or something, i forget, and she was like telling us about how to communicate with the industry blah blah whatever just get to the one-on-ones already.

so i walked in and was like: Oh Hello, Good Evening, I am Factor Von Factor.

and she's all: Nice to meet you, Actor, do you have a headshot?

and i'm all: It's Factor. Here you go.

she: Wow... uh... you're wearing sunglasses in this picture.

me: Yeah. I wanted to show my versatility as either an action star or a model-type.

she: I see. So what have you been up to lately?

me: Oh, well, I just booked this commercial...

she: That's great! Is it running?

and this is where i froze up. i mean, it wouldn't exactly look good to tell her how i got fired from the commercial shoot after my unfortunate brush with brazilian border patrol, now would it? so i did what any ridiculously smart and enviably good-looking man would do.

i lied.

me: Oh, yeah, but only in Europe. But that's cool, you know, because I'm flying out to Cannes tomorrow to see my film premiere - me and Harvey really to be there to support Quentin, you know, and then of course my screenplay was just bought by Paramount and my one-man show is being developed into a new series for HBO, you know, ever since I wrote the final ep of the Sopranos, and you know, acting-wise, I've been freelancing with the William Morris Agency, wanna keep my options open. You know?

it got pretty quiet for a minute.

she: Huh.

me: Yeah.

she: Well, Factor, good luck with all that. Really.

me: Oh, thanks. Oh, and check me out next week on Fox - guest judging the American Idol season finale. So... well, okay, bye.

i think it went pretty well, overall.

border patrol

2007-05-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

dudes.

okay, yes, i am sorry for not blogging in forever but you would not believe what happened to me.

so i'm all first class, up in the sky - on my way to brazil for the brahma shoot. i had my marc jacobs sunglasses and everything, i was totally rockin it - what can i say, the celeb life suits me.

i watched the holiday, popped a couple ambiens, and before i knew it, i was in a whole other hemisphere. rolled off the plane, ready to live it up, do my acting thang and meet some hot brazilian honeys, and the customs agent is all, "work or pleasure?"

so i answer, "work but you know, i'm not turning down any other offers youknowwhatimsayin!"

and before i know it, i'm in a tiny windowless room, all touristas style, and they're all pissed because i don't have a work visa, and so after like two hours of questioning they let me call my agent, who is even way more pissed because i'm late to rehearsal, and she calls the brahma people, who are crazy pissed because there's no way in hell that customs is letting me in and now they have to fly in my understudy (who i'm pretty sure is that chump simon that i always see at liz lewis) and i'm out of a gig and stuck in the rio airport until they can put me on the next flight back to jfk, which doesn't leave for 11 more hours. i felt like freakin tom hanks in the terminal but without zeta-jones to distract me.

man, it was pretty depressing. i didn't have the heart to tell my mom that i lost my gig, and i already had five days off from the restaurant, so i pretty much just sat around and drank chai and caught up on seasons 1-6 of the sopranos.

which made me think: chin up, factor. at least you're not caught in a life of organized crime and compromised loyalties.

i was so inspired by my own pep talk to myself that i went for a 1/2 mile jog and wrote a postcard to a casting director i met once, i can't remember where.

i was gonna mail it, but i'm out of stamps.

more on how awesome i am

2007-04-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

just got back from signing the contract for my upcoming commercial at my agent's office making it official, dudes: i leave monday for braaaaaaaaazil.

and not that i usually like to talk about money because that's tacky if you're from connecticut, but guess how many benjamins i'm getting paid for this thing dudes:

100. (that's $10,000 for everyone out there over age 30)

and that's not even with residuals. nor does it even begin to count the number of honeys i'm gonna mack on the beach holla!!!

thinkin of checking out this battle of the bards thing on saturday. there'll be celebs which equals paparazzi which equals publicity for yours truly.

could i be any smarter?

newsflash

2007-04-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

dudes, are you sitting down because you might crap your pants:

i totally booked the brahma commercial!

time to brush up on my spanish because factor's goin' to brazil baby!!!

c to the a to the l to the l to the b to the a to the c to the k

2007-04-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking of updating my blog's look for spring. call me a simple man, but there is nothing more exciting than graphic layout.

so i know you've been waiting for an update on the commercial audition. can anyone say... CALLBACK! oh yeah!

needless to say, it went major well. i had to take my shirt off but being an actor-slash-model, that was no prob for me. i offered to go down to my speedo (american apparel shiny gold from this year's collection) but they said that was ok.

in the meantime i'm making some extra dough on the internet ebaying some stuff i found in my parent's attic. i just post em at really low prices then charge like $20 for shipping. also that way i can be at home more in case one of my agents calls. pretty good plan if i do say so myself.

i'm thinking of making a stand up comedy act. i'd probably get my own sitcom. plus, chicks always put "sense of humor" on their dating profiles.

good thing i speak conversational spanish

2007-03-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

check this dudes: my commercial agent calls me up last friday after like ten months of total silence and was like “factor are you in shape?” and i’m like duh plus i’m launching my print modeling career get on the bus or get off” and she’s like “what bus? factor i don’t care how you get there just be at this brazilian beer audition at liz lewis pronto.”

fortunately for her i had just finished watching all 13 episodes of theburg.tv so i was wide open and so i headed over with my spankin’ new comp cards.

i did have a wicked hangover working against me but i figured that would only go to show my deep love and appreciation for beer.

then i read the info sheet: the commercial is shooting in BRAZIL, dudes. BRAZIL. that country’s all about a) beaches b) red meat and c) honeys wearing swimsuits like 24/7. aka heaven on earth.

suddenly i realized my whole life had been leading up to this: acting school, my recent foray into modeling, my penchant for ladies of the latin persuasion. i knew i had to turn the charm up to level 100 in the audition room.

i walked in and played really cool. there were two casting directors – one guy and one lady and i shook his hand firmly but not too firmly and – get this – kissed the chick’s hand. yeah, i am suave like that and by her reaction i could tell that she was pretty smitten. can't blame her tho.

i slated and read my line: “brama brings brazil to you, no matter where you are!" but not just that - i did this whole turn thing where it was like i was at some huge party and someone tapped me on the shoulder and i had to explain that the very beer i was drinking held the magical power of party transport. that's called method acting.

so all in all, pretty good stuff. i'm expecting a call.

spring forward

2007-03-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

... fashion forward that is. i decided that if i'm going to focus on my modeling career then i have to look the part. none of this old school american apparel tee and diesel jeans crap, it's time to take it to the next level for sure.

so i spent my latest cater waiter check on some tight john varvatos jackets then i opened a barneys account and scored some marc jacobs shirts and maj cool prada loafers. the saleslady must have known i was about to roll in the benjamins because they approved me for the cc even with my low credit score and 3 years of unpaid taxes but hey by the time the gov makes the connection i'll be rolling in the dough anyways, so...

meanwhile i better post on craigslist for a new drummer for my band. its almost ridiculous how famous i'm gonna get.

oh hey by the way i just joined myspace so hook it up with some new friend requests!

the secret

2007-03-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

what up dudes. no wait - don't answer that. check this out:

so i'm walking on broadway yesterday and like 19th street and i'm thinking about someday when i have a dope loft in tribeca how i'll just go to abc carpet and buy like everything which also made me think about fashions and what look i'll be rockin this spring when this hot chick walked right up to me and was all, "are you a model?"

at first i was caught off guard, which you wouldn't think would be the case because a) duh of course i look like a model and b) i was thinking about fashion already and thats what models are thinking about like every minute of every day. oh and also hot chicks and parties and whatnot.

"well, actually i am in this print campaign by some coach company."

"uh, you model for coach?" she seemed surprised for some reason.

"oh, uh, not coach as in bags and shoes and stuff, but as in a company that apparently also makes capes."

"um, okay. because i'm from top models nyc and we're having a model search night tonight and there's a chance to get discovered by all the major fashion magazines."

see dudes? see??!?! this is so amazing, because i just read the secret and i secret-ed to get discovered.

so i went to the this model search thing and they were like, "oh factor you have the look!" and all i had to do was sign up to get my comp card made by their exclusive photographer. i think he shot for mogatu or proenza schouler for target or someone. it's costing me $1000 but in light of all the mad cash i'm going to get as a famous model it's a small investment. at least, that's what my top models nyc manager linda choi said.

i'm thinking 'urban cowboy meets rugby all-star' for the spring look. right?

a winter's tale

2007-02-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

dudes. i know it's been like 10,000 years since i last blogged but you would not believe what i have been through trying to get my mac fixed after a major unfortunate poker night with the boys in which the spray cheese didn't exactly hit the cracker. tekserve wanted like $400 bucks to fix it which is pretty much my whole unemployment check and then some, and then i decided i need to get my teeth professionally whitened so it's been a pretty stressful six weeks.

but i know you're waiting with breath that is baited for an update so here's some highlights.

colts rocked the superbowl of course and congrats to john mayer on all those grammys but moreso on tapping jessica simpson on the regular
oh yeah so the restaurant closed and i am officially out of a j.o.b. but unemployment is rad - they give you a debit card and everything. it's like being paid to play video games, which is like my 2nd place dream after being paid to say lines and stuff
i'm starting a band. i figure when i'm not acting i can get famous in other ways like singing and being hot, etc. also, great way to score smokin' hot chicks
i'm up to like 135 friends on myspace

thats it for now kids - i gotta split because the barneys warehouse sale is almost over and i've been feeling pretty out of it since fashion week.

maybe i'll pick up a copy of backstage or something... anyone know when pilot season is?

new years resolutions

2007-01-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

dudes happy 007! this year is definitely gonna be the year i rock all things. not only do i know this deep down in my heart but it said so in my astral analysis i got for only $12.95 online. oh also - i'm prone to rash decisions but i'm a loyal friend.

***FACTOR VON FACTOR'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS DOUBLE-O SEVEN***

sign with a powerful agent who will get me lots of work
win oscar, tony, emmy (golden globe optional)
find hot but low-maintenance girlfriend
blog more
get to level 8 in max payne
hire publicist
finish screenplay/send to weinstein
lose the holiday poundage
remember mom's birthday
get yoga instructor certification
mail headshots
never compromise

the best of '06

2006-12-22T12:34:00.000-08:00

dudes, i am partied out! one more holiday shindig and i'll probably turn into some egg nog or something. don't worry though - my mistletoe hat has been paying off in spades.

FACTOR'S 2006 HIGHLIGHTS

started blog
got new awesome headshots
starred in FUTURETOWN in NY fringe festival
went to vegas with the guys and didn't get arrested
got to level 7 in grand theft auto
thought about some goals
made out with 10 chicks, 8 of them hot
print modeling
got into hot meatpacking club plum after only like 3 tries
watched the entire south park box set
completed the bikram challenge at yoga studio
believed in myself

it's really healthy to look back at all you've done and appreciate how awesome you are. by you, i mean me.

ok dudes - i'm off to puerto rico with the fam for chanukah/christmas. i don't know if they have the internet there so if you don't hear from me, expect that i'm crushing major waves and getting a tan that will make the babes go crazy on new year's.

fa la la dudes!

svu

2006-12-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

sorry i've been out of the loop but there was a law & order SVU marathon on cable. call me brainwashed but that is probably the best show on television. well, besides arrested development and mr. show but those are cancelled. oh and ali g. i'm deciding whether i'm over family guy.

but anyway, anyone know how i can get like some sort of guest starring role on SVU? i'm pretty sure it shoots in new york... i'd be good as like a supermodel guy who gets framed for the murder of his hot model girlfriend but he's innocent which would add this amazing layer of depth and despair to the complex character i would undoubtedly create. and i would go totally crazy in the climactic interrogation scene which would make you question my innocence but then when i break down on the stand and i'm all like "i loved her man, can't you see that? i loved her." they'd pretty much have to give me an emmy after that.

anyone wanna hit fuelray tonight? i hear they have a pretty hot happy hour.

peace!

like maya angelou, i rise

2006-12-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

i'm not gonna lie, dudes. the holidays combined with questioning my career choice to be the greatest actor of all time combined with $16.52 left in my checking account were really getting me down. i think it's important i'm straight with you guys on this so that we can all be open about our feelings and be healthier people going forward. my yoga teacher taught me that.

but just when i was about to drown myself in eggnog and go off my south beach diet altogether, i got a call from my agent who at this time shall remain anonymous because she's getting dropped the second william morris calls and i'm only freelancing with her anyway but don't tell her and she doesn't read my blog anyways so it's cool:

[cellie blows up]

factor von factor: factor von factor here, how can i help you?

agent lame-o: actor, it's ***** from *****--

f.v.f.: it's factor.

a.l.: whatever. factor. i've only got 30 seconds so here it is: remember that stock photo shoot i got you last year?

f.v.f.: the one on that website?

a.l.: what? no. what are you talking about?

f.v.f.: never mind.

a.l.: well the long and short of it is one of your photos got picked up and you are hot hot hot, baby!

f.v.f.: awesome and rad! show me the money! SHOW ME THE MO--

a.l.: oh no, honey. stock photo. the flat $200 - well, $180 after my take - you got last year is all you get. but honey this is great exposure. stop by my office next week. kiss kiss darling!

so there it is kids. the second you think your career's at a stand still, you get mad publicity and you know what that means: increased babe factor. ho! there i go using my name in a sentence again. i'm ridiculous.

<--- hot.

the heart of a champion

2006-12-06T13:15:00.000-08:00

i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i'm thinking of going into male modeling. or maybe high finance.

after jacob told me i wasn't doing crap with my life, i started to feel really low. lower than antarctica. lower than the song by lil' jon. lower than the lighting at plum. (that club is hot if you haven't checked it yet)

i tried all the usual stuff to make myself feel better - watching the video of me as jack in into the woods in 11th grade, listening to my demo reel, cruisin' for hot chicks at williamsburg's coolest bars... but nothing works.

should i listen to the beating of my heart and follow my passion to create beautiful stories on the stage and screen and occasionally the internet?

or should i throw it all away for a life of safety and security - live in a high rise and have a long-term girlfriend who keeps bugging me to get married and watch college football on saturdays and have a share in the hamptons?

i have seen the light, and it is dark

2006-11-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

dudes. this weekend was major for me.

so i'm up in conn with the 'rents for t-day and all is going pretty usually - three rounds of turkey/stuffing/green bean casserole (dudes no south beach diet on t-day, that's where i draw the line), nice buzz from the mulled wine my aunt madge brought from florida, and i unbutton the diesels and relax in front of the flat screen to catch some football when my cuz jacob (my literal cousin, not like 'cuz' as in 'bro' or 'son'... anyway) walks in, totally interrupting the game. (he works in fashion so he doesn't understand why football is important. also, he's gay.)

jacob: (wearing smart velvet blazer with distilled button-up and viktor&rolf for h&m denim; gucci loafers no socks) hey actor-

yours truly: it's factor now.

jacob: okay, whatever. FACTOR, how's the acting going?

yt: good. i don't know. whatever.

jacob: i was reading the other day (jacob's all into reading) in the nation (pretentious bastard) that only 3% (ooh, excuse me mr. mathematician) of actors make over $40K (he actually said 'K') a year from acting.

yt: so?

jacob: so, i'm just saying. i mean, factor, you're [damn talented and ridiculously good-looking]* but you've been f-ing around in new york for like four years now, not counting nyu, doing experimental plays that nobody sees. if you're really going to win the oscar, tony, grammy, emmy, and golden globe you wrote about in your [ever-enlightening and unbelievably insightful] blog, how exactly do you plan to do that?

yt: MOM! JACOB'S BUGGING ME AND I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME!

mom: jacob darling, come help me choose which ferragamos to wear to the lincoln center benefit.

jacob: (exiting) i'm just saying, factor. we all believe in you, but maybe it's time to take this acting thing a little more seriously.

*not his exact words but i'm sure it was something like that

---end scene---

i think i fell asleep after that. but on the train back to manhattan, jacob's words really hit me. i mean, there are a million actors in new york and hollywood. subtract all the not talented ones, not hot ones, and ones who didn't go to private school and there's still probably 8,000 guys my age. who am i to try to be the greatest actor of all time? who am i?

who am i...

grand theft factor

2006-11-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

dudes sorry i've been so out of touch but you would not believe what i have been through trying to get a playstation 3. i showed up a full hour before circuit city opening time and there's no line and so i'm just chillin with my grande no whip eggnog latte and when the doors finally open they're all like 'we're sold out' and i'm like 'ha very funny dudes now hook it up' and they're all going on about people camping out for three days and opening at midnight and whatnot. i seriously thought i might cry which i haven't done since the final episode of six feet under so i just got back on the L train and tried to calm myself down by thinking of all the poor children in third world countries who are probably still playing super mario brothers on original nintendos.

i gotta hurry up and get famous already so that sony just calls me up and is all like 'hey factor' - no - more like: 'pardon us mr. von factor but we're sending over 10 playstation 11's from the year 2024 and we need you to test them out and oh by the way we're sending over some supermodels to bring you chips and beers and stuff while you do so sir.' yeah, that's what's up.

lost

2006-11-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

dudes, what is up with lost going off the air for 13 weeks?? was there a hurricane on that island or did hurley eat everyone or something?

and what is up with bush resigning?

the world has gone crazy i'm pretty sure. whatev - anyone wanna check out borat this weekend?

it's already been broughten

2006-11-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

so calleri casting called me in for some off-Broadway play going up sometime soon and i'm like cool and rolled up. these guys obviously know talent when they see it.

i was totally stylin in my slacks from john varvatos and vintage pinstripe velvet blazer. don't steal my strategy and publish it everywhere but in this biz you gotta bring it every single time and i'm not even joking.

of course i rocked the sides and was amazing and they're all 'thanks' and i'm all like 'wanna see it again with more of a british accent cuz i can totally do that' and they were like 'the character is a homeless man from queens' and i'm like whatev. and i winked at the hottie chick cd on my way out. she had nice calves.

another 100% audition, courtesy factor von factor.

go shorty, it's my birthday

2006-11-01T11:34:00.000-08:00

except that i don't sip bacardi because i'm off the sug's right now.

yep dudes, it's the most important day of the year aka FACTOR'S BIRTHDAY. 26, fools. but don't tell the agents because i still wanna book some teen dramas yaknowhatimsayin!!

all faithful blog readers are hereby invited to my birthday party. and feel free to bring hot chicks and agents:

WHAT: Factor Von Factor's 26th Birthday Party Bash celebrating:
a) his 26th birthday
b) the year factor is gonna get signed by william morris
c) the final draft of my dope screenplay sure to win oscars and whatnot
d) my general wit and charm and talent and ridiculously good looks

WHEN & WHERE: barcade in the burg of course
6:30 - 7:30: happy hour two for one dudes
7:30 - 11:30: reaching new heights and high scores in tetris, ms. pac man, etc, etc
11:30 - ????: shots

WHY: dude if you have to ask i dont even know what to tell you.

RECOMMENDED GIFTS:
- grand theft auto san andreas (how is it possible that i do not have this yet)
- air force ones
- k-fed's album
- a metrocard
- gyllenhaal's head on a platter

word. see you later fools
- fvf

i'm so rad it's scary

2006-10-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

[let me just begin by saying a big fat sorry for the freak out the other day. you can understand the pressures on a young, talented, ridiculously good-looking actor in new york. but worry not, sports fans, i located some valium leftover from my mom's visit last spring and all was well.]

--------------------

dudes, i have to figure out my halloween costume by this weekend. there's like crazy parties left and right. you know what that means: honeys rockin costumes smaller than bikinis. holla! they should make a law that every day is halloween. for girls anyway.

VOTE ON FACTOR'S COSTUME
1. clark kent (yes I know i did this last year but girls dig it)
2. mcdreamy (anyone know how i can legally obtain a stethoscope?)
3. pimp (still have the hat)
4. pirate of the carribbean (like bloom, NOT lame-ass depp)
5. dick cheney

so i had this commercial audition yesterday and check this: I GOT A CALLBACK. it's for some pharmase... pharmasuit... pharm... drug brand but i forget which one. i think they must be looking for a hot stud type (why else would they want to see me) so i'm gonna hit the tanning beds this afternoon. don't get me wrong, if i weren't an actor that would be fruit but since i'm about to make gyllenhaal wish he'd never gone into the biz, i gotta represent.

panic at the disco

2006-10-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

dudes either i have to take it down to six cups of coffee a day or i'm having my first anxiety attack.

i have to sign with an agent.
i have to edit my screenplay.
i have to book a showcase that actually pays money and that industry actually goes to.
i have to get into one on one.
i have to get a halloween costume.
i have to go to LA to visit ryan on the set of two bush mountain to meet all the CW network execs which means i have to pick up more shifts at the restaurant or book a national commercial pronto.
i have to finish my mailing.
i have to update my myspace page.
i have to win an oscar by the time i'm 30.
i have to get my hair highlighted.
i have to print more headshots.
i have to find that hot chick from union pool.
i have to pay my 2005 taxes.

maybe i should just apply to law school.

reunion

2006-10-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

so i got this evite to go to some tisch nyu alumni reunion night happy hour thing at manahatta last night. so i get my restaurant shift covered and everything because i'm not one to miss an opp to a) network, b) give everyone a chance to see how i'm about to blow up all over the stage and screen, and c) find out if beth got over her whole i-only-hook-up-with-pre-law-guys thing. she's hot.

i meant to get there half an hour late so i wouldn't look too desperate but the L train was all messed up as per usual so i didn't get there til 7. it was pretty boring and i got stuck talking to this chick forever about her career plan blah blah blah. that chick should get out of the acting business and start marketing herself as the new ambien. she'd make more money.

i was about to hit it and quit it when i overheard these two guys who were in my production of A Long Day's Journey Into Night: Director's Cut (you guys don't even know) talking about how my old scene partner ryan is in LA on some teen drama on the CW now. i was like WHAT?!?!? then thank god my mom keeps everything i ever did because she still had my contact list from tisch with ryan's number and everything. so i call and i'm all like 'hey bri' and he's all 'hey bro' and i'm all like 'we missed you at the happy hour dude what's been going on' and he's all like 'wow actor it's so cool of you to remember me' and i'm all like 'it's factor now' and he's like 'wha?' and i'm like 'anyways' and he's like 'dude i'm in LA now working and everything you should come out' and i'm like 'yeah, cool' like i didn't know he was in LA because i'm that good of an actor.

i wonder what my pilot will be called...

holla at me, gurrrrrrl

2006-10-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

i am getting mad smart about finding this girl, y'all.

first i posted a missed connection on craigslist. but i know those things don't always work (my boy lionel had a most unfortunate run in when he posted his body pic last year and like the whole restaurant found out about it) so i was like, i'll post a personal ad with my pic and maybe she's one of those girls who browses that. so i put my pic and description in the onion today so we'll see. we're like star-crossed lovers or ships passing in the night and whatnot.

on the acting front, i decided it's time to get serious if i'm gonna have to wine and dine this hottie pretty soon. so i'm calling up buchwald today and telling em it's time to sign, no more of this freelance BS. if they know what's good for them they'll be drawing up contracts left and right.

sometimes, you gotta march in and demand what you want. also, chicks like that.

cupid in da house

2006-10-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

dudes, i have a major announcement so sit down if you're not already:

factor is in love.

i was chillin with my man lionel drinkin PBRs outside at union pool yesterday when up walked this vision in knee socks. i'm like 'hey' and she's like 'hey' and i'm like 'nice day, right?' and she's all like 'yeah sure is' but i tell you underneath those words were an epic love story waiting to unfold before our very eyes. so before lionel could c-block me i was like 'i'm factor what's your name' and she was all like 'monica' or maybe it was melissa. i was going to say something brilliant but before i could think of it her cell blew up (clap your hands say yeah ringtone - nice) and she was out.

dudes, i didn't even sleep last night. i have never wanted anything so badly except maybe my lacoste sneakers. or my impending oscar, but that's a given.

i don't have her digits or her name for that matter but it's okay because love conquers all. AND i have an audition at melsky today. things are definitely looking up for factor.

agents: sign me
beth melsky casting: book me
melissa/monica/whoever: date me. you won't be disappointed.

one step ahead

2006-10-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

dudes, i should make you pay to read this next one, because it is freakin brilliant.

instead of mailing my headshots to all the agents and casting peeps like all the other actors out there, i just went around town taping my pics up at all the audition studios. that way they're like 'oh wait a second why are we even having this audition when we could just cast this dashing young man pictured here and take the rest of the day off.' i know, right?

i'm thinking of opening my own bar in williamsburg. man, the smart ideas just keep coming today. i think it's because i've been eating organic.

von factor is the new brantley

2006-09-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

fellow theatre enthusiasts, i was treated to a splendid evening of theatre weekend previous with eve ensler's new work, "the treatment." the action of the play involves the psychological analysis of a recently discharged soldier by a deeply secretive and seemingly professional therapist, played by the enormously talented portia. dylan mcdermott, as the aforementioned soldier, brings a pacino-like quality to the mentally damaged, post-traumatic veteran. though i found the directing a bit too redundant and the script bordering on pendantic, and i would have liked to see mcdermott's character travel a more rounded journey through the developing scenes, portia as well as the play itself show great promise for the canon of modern theatre.

i'm just kidding dudes. i totally slept all weekend and played halo and watched the seahawks pound the giants. now that's what i call the freakin' culture project.

f to the izz-a

2006-09-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

no work today dudes... i think i'll cruise the midtown studios and see if there's any auditions i can crash. it's pretty nice out though.. maybe i should just chill in sheep's meadow. my feet hurt.

anyone know how i can get the breakdowns?

the von factor report

2006-09-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

doo doo do doo do doo doo
**FACTOR NEWS FLASH**

THE ARTS- so we're still waiting to see if my groundbreaking fringe show FUTURETOWN gets picked up by some broadway producers. i of course was brilliant but as per usual, the judges are more into commercial project than pure brilliance and we didn't even get a best-of. crap.

BUSINESS- uh, mom? dad?? this whole 'cutting me off' joke was maybe funny at first, but i can't roll without the flow, ya know? if you want me to thank you when i win my tony you might want to fund some classes taught by top level casting directors so we can get that ball rolling. consider it an investment in my future... in your future... in the very future of performing art as we know it. i'm just saying.

SPORTS- i'm thinking of running the marathon. what is it, like 8 miles? i could do that.

DINING- it only took me 4 weeks but i finally memorized the menu at my day j.o.b., a certain critically-acclaimed belgian restaurant in the meatpacking district that shall not be named at this time. the people are cool but the brunches SUCK. hello, how hard is it to figure out eggs, the kitchen? better yet, how hard is it to figure out putting me on the schedule for friday and saturday nights, the management? it's cool though, hot chicks come in like every single day cuz its fashion week.

PERSONALS- in a crap turn of events, lenna has a boyfriend. some loser finance guy or lawyer or something. why are chicks so into guys who drink grey goose and ski and won't go to brooklyn. whatever, when i'm ultra famous they'll all be like 'oh factor will you autograph my bosoms.'

dudes, know what's hilarious? the onion. who the heck are those guys?? i should like, throw a huge phat party and just invite every one of the writers and just sit back and laugh my ass off. smoove b is da man, yo.

wanna be your superhero

2006-08-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

entourage is like a documentary of my future life. except that i wouldn't turn down $12.5 mil and i wouldn't date mandy moore and i'm not from queens. but other than that, all me.

opening niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

2006-08-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

oh. man. if there were even any words to explain how awesome the opening of FUTURETOWN at the fringe was last weekend then they haven't been invented yet. i was like, brilliant. every single one of the ten people in the audience was rivetted the entire time, even the usher. there were some missed light cues and other typical opening night stuff (kate: i did not forget my blocking, i improved upon it) but let me tell you, when i extended the kiss scene with lenna by a few minutes, that made up for my costume malfunction in spades.

it is only a matter of time before i am wildly famous, people. only a matter of time.

okay, gotta head out to my training shift at the restaurant. peace.

factor for hire

2006-08-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

yo dudes: maggie gyllenhaal - hot or not? its not like she's angelina or aguilera, but she's no nikki hilton either. i'm just sayin.

day off from rehearsal meant pounding the proverbial pave for the dreaded day job. but being factor von factor, hookups abound. my buddy lloyd from playwrights horizons gave me a hot tip on some belgian restaurant in the meatpacking district. don't know much about la cuisine de belgium but one thing i do know is their beers ROCK harder than pabst and the chicks in the MPD are smokin. i guess that's two things.

i told em i had tons of experience and i could bartend too but i'm an actor so i can only work friday and saturday nights. unless FUTURETOWN gets picked up from the fringe - then i'm out like shout. yeah.

will work for money

2006-08-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

T minus 7 days until the opening of my son-to-be-hit-play FUTURETOWN. lines: memorized. moves: blocked. make out scene: rehearsed. i hope a lot of agents show up.

T minus 26 days til my landlord kicks me out of my place. dude, i will get you the rent, just chill. man, all i need is one commercial and i'm golden.

i'm thinking of starting a rock band.

rockstar: factor

2006-08-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

dudes, where do i sign up for rockstar supernova? tommy lee wouldn't even know what hit him and dave navarro would be all like "oh, now i see why carmen electra left me."

rehearsing the last scene of FUTURETOWN tonight, which means makeout with lenna. she does not know what is about to hit her. but being the professional i am, no home runs til after the show closes. of course with the ground breaking multimedia concept, original music composed entirely on the music director's cell phone, and hyper-minimal (tm) costuming, not to mention the talents of yours truly, chances are this show is going all the way to broadway.

producers: show up before we blow up

agents: wine me, dine me, and sign me

carmen: u dropped the zero, now get with the hero

it's hard out here for a factor.

2006-07-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

serious wrench thrown into the spokes of my make-commercial-bank master plan. one on one is all like "you didn't get in. we asked for two contemporary pieces." and i'm like "uh, they are?" and they're like "shakespeare is not contemporary" and i'm like "then how come it's being performed every single day, as in, contemporarily?" that pretty much made her think. then she goes "you can audition again." i bet that director just wanted an excuse to see more of my magic.

considering i am about to disown the 'rents due to their lack of fundage and that i should probably get pay my landlord july rent before august 1, the factor is on day job search today. gonna start in union square because i try to only ride the L train.

watched donnie darko again last night. freakin' brilliant, dudes. not that i'm not the gyl's nemesis anymore, cuz i am. but that rabbit is crazy yo!

i wonder where lenna works.

but soft! what light through yonder factor breaks

2006-07-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

it pretty much hit me when my wa-mu account went into the negatives this week that i cant be depending on the 'rents for dough. but in one of my usual strokes of genius, i looked at myself in the mirror. i looked at myself in the mirror and said: "factor, you are practically made of money what with all your talent. now go out there and unleash, my friend. i mean, me."

dudes, all i have to do is book a commercial and i'll be golden for at least six months. so today im auditioning for one on one productions so i can meet some commercial agents and casting directors and start getting mad bank. for my audition monologes i'm doing romeo from romeo & juliet and matt damon from good will hunting.

i hope they're ready to be floored because it's like time stops when i'm doing my monologues. like i even have to tell you.

the game

2006-07-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

dudes, so i totally rocked rehearsal for FUTURETOWN (yes, haters, the playwright dictates it be spelled in all caps at all times) so when i asked lenna out for drinks after she could barely hold herself back.

F: Henna.

L: Lenna.

F: Yeah, right, my bad. You were like, really good in our scene tonight.

L: Thanks Actor. You too.

F: It's Factor.

L: Sorry. My bad.

F: It's cool. Sooo... do you wanna like grab a beer or something?

L: Actually, I should really --

F: I'm just saying, we should probably discuss the arc of our characters' relationships before we block scene five tomorrow. (the non-date - i totally got that mackin technique from "the game," my personal bible outside of stanislavsky's stuff and maxim)

L: (sighs - probably out of how she's been dreaming about this moment ever since she met me) Okay.

F: Cool. Let's go to Max Fish. I know the bartender.

so we head over to max fish and it's like 1,000 degrees outside but i'm rockin my camoulflage shorts and lacoste polo and visor so i at least look cool. i forgot what lenna was wearing but she looked hot. she kept talking about her acting plan and career coach and goals and asked me about mine. i said i'd probably get to my agent mailing one of these days.

i know what you're thinking: get to the point factor. okay, i will. no dudes, i did not hook it up because i am an artist which means no crapping where i eat. but the minute the curtain goes down on FUTURETOWN closing night she won't even know what hit her.

----------------------------
mom, if you're reading this: STOP. i mean it. and tell dad to wire the transfer already if you want me to shop at whole foods instead of being regulated to 99 cent menus. just think about all the trans fats in your son's body. just think on that.

the process

2006-07-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

rehearsals for FUTURETOWN are smokin, son. it is almost crazy how great i am in this role. i'm using all my meisner from tisch to really crank it up a notch. oh, and my improv background to bring a little comedy to the role. that's the essence of great drama - throw em off with a laugh or two.

not that the process isn't without a little backstage drama. this chick pam was playing starma, my romantic interest who morphs into a planetary constellation (not to give too much away), but she quit because her other show had too many rehearsals or something. so they replaced her with this other chick named lenna and dudes, i am NOT complaining. she's acting all aloof but when we start rehearsing the makeout scene she won't even know what hit her.

gotta go to my capoeira class then head to rehearsal. maybe i'll ask lenna if she wants to grab some PBRs at at max fish. i know the bartender on monday nights and he hooks me up on the regular. chicks love that.

an inconceivable crap

2006-07-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

homies: sorry so sporadic - i stayed a few extra days at the 'rents to take full advantage of free food plus i hadnt done laundry in like two months and they have like every website firewalled because of the whole thing with my little bro and his run-in with the law, so the odds were stacked against me when it came to communication with my loyal fans but hey thats the life i live - when i'm on location all the time it's only going to get worse so it's probably best to ease you into it bit by piece.

so i decided to be a man and hit them straight up with the funds request and my dad jumps right into his whole schpiel:

dad: do you know how much tisch cost us?

yours truly: yeah, dad, ninety--

dad: --two thousand three hundred forty one dollars, and that's not counting your semester in london studying god knows what, fish and chips...

YT: shakespeare, dad. SHAKESPEARE.

mom: Actor...

dad: it's FACTOR, judy, he's calling himself Factor now.

mom: is that a stage name? honey, did you send your screenplay to dad's friend at the law firm yet?

YT: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE IF I CAN'T EVEN BUY STAMPS LET ALONE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CONCEIVE OF THE NOTION THAT MY VERY PARENTS REFUSE TO INVEST IN THE GOLDMINE THAT IS THE FIRST-BORN VON FACTOR???

the conversation pretty much ended there. i should probably check the voice to see what restaurants need a ferociously good-looking and talented waiter. but i'm not working brunches.

don't fret, my friends

2006-07-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

dude. times is hard without a day gig. i've mostly been spending my days rehearsing for my kickass show to premiere at fringe '06 and spending my nights vastly improving my halo skills. i need to get laid but other than that, personally i'm on trizz-ack. financially's another story tho, as in a drama and not a comedy.

gonna check the 'rents up in connecticut this weekend. they didn't send their july check, what the??? a guy's gotta eat.

what. the.

2006-06-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

@#$%^&*(*&;^%%^&*(^$%^^*& the certain award-winning barbeque restaurant that shall continue to remain nameless but is located on 27th street between lex and park FIRED FACTOR.

i had to miss the lame ass lunch shift on monday because what was i supposed to do, miss italy kicking australia's ass in round 2? and then i show up on tuesday and they're like, factor you're always calling out and missing shifts and i'm like dudes i'm the best waiter up in this piece and they're like laughing. so i just got real quiet and walked toward the door, then turned around super slow and said, "abraham lincoln did not crumble in the face of adversity and neither will factor von factor." and i tossed my apron into the manager's face and left that place for good.

whatever. i don't need that job. i only need my art.

factor live and on stage, that's right fools

2006-06-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

dudes sorry i've been MIA for the last week or so but i've been livin' the actor life hard at work rehearsing for my latest gig.

oh yeah, that's right. factor scored a hot role in no less than a fringe show. that's right, my talents are hittin' the new york international fringe festival in the soon-to-be hit FUTURETOWN. it's multimedia foreman meets mamet meets puppetry with music. this shit is cutting edge, dude, i'm telling you. i play this stormtrooping hero from the future sent to reverse a paralyzing chain of events involving global warming and illegal downloads. oh and i get to do capoeira.

audiences: get your tickets now.
agents: draft a contract while i'm still available.
critics: get ready to write a rave.
certain award-winning barbeque restaurant: look forward to one less waiter on the fall schedule.

factor's tony review

2006-06-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

ok dudes, so i did catch the last half of the tony awards last night. i thought it started at 9 but it started at eight so i guess i missed like best assistant makeup artist, whatever.

first of all, they need to up the sex factor on this awards show. take a cue from the mtv movie awards, american theatre wing: aguilera in fishnets. the last thing this viewer needs to see is a dozen women yelling 'HELL NO!' i get that enough from the model chicks at the clubs.

whoa! ten points for using my own name as a word in that last paragraph. wicked.

speaking of wicked, i thought that show was supposed to be all sold out and whatnot. and it wasn't even nominated?? what the hell?

if it were up to me, that chandelier would fall directly on the phantom and deliver us all.

i'm not even gonna touch 'the wedding singer.'

do you have to add 'boys' to the title to win in '06 or what? maybe sondheim should've renamed his show 'london boys' or 'the meatpie game' or something. then maybe corky's mom would've taken it instead of - wait, never mind - lachanze is HOT.

that was so awesome when miranda kissed that chick.

you know when julia roberts was trying to kiss ass with her lame ad-lib she was probably thinking 'yeah, you people are talented people, but i don't see you making $20 mil a picture and selling out stage shows a year in advance. kiss my oscar bitches!'

check this and do NOT steal it: when i win my tony i'm fully singing my acceptance speech. in fact i can't believe it hasn't been done, hello, it's an award for being in a musical.

ROUGH draft factor von factor 2007 tony award speech (copyright 6/12/06 factor, all rights reserved)
[To the tune of seasons of love from rent]

525,600 thank yous
525 thousand people to thank
525,600 loyal fans
525 thousand people i outrank

and then the curtains part and there's a whole gospel choir going crazy and singing backup and the tony guys are all like 'well there's no point in giving out that award again because no speech will ever match that' and when you factor in all the ratings... dude.

whoa - ten more points. i am ON today.

the model factor

2006-06-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

so i get this call from a model agency today. they're all like, wanna come in and meet us and i'm all like yeah sure and so i told the restaurant the friday lunch shift was gonna have to happen without factor but have fun anyway, stopped by american apparel for a 100% cotton tee to work my all-american look and went on over.

they were pretty cool even when i forgot my headshots. i think they could see my versatility, because they even had me go totally buck for a few so they could see whether they'll be submitting me for beach shoots. dude, whatever, as long as i get PAID.

i asked them how they heard about me and they said from onestar productions - hello, the 'do or die' film guys? i guess they weren't as dumb as i thought. probably trying to hook up my rep team before they book me. i should sent them a postcard.

let this be one more warning to those looking for the next kutcher: all aboard and get on the factor train now because it's about to pull out of the s-s-station.

blowin' up the trades

2006-05-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

dudes i may just have to start interviewing publicists because yours truly got interviewed for some actor news thing last weekend. i'm all chilling on the steps at union square trying to catch some rays between shifts (dudes a double on a holiday weekend brunch that is HARSH learn how to make a freakin schedule) and this chick is checking me out - which normally i wouldn't even bat an eye at because that's my life. but then she comes up and is all like, aren't you factor von factor and i'm like who wants to know baby and she's all i've seen your blog can i interview you for our june actor newsletter and i'm like it's only may but whatever.

it's probably good that she didn't get my pic tho because my strategy to get maximum baking via spf 0 didn't exactly work out as planned. got the digits tho and THAT is how it's done. better go free up the phone line so the calls from william morris can start pouring in. r.e.c.o.g.n.i.z.e.

the competitive edge

2006-05-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

you guys are not gonna believe this one. except that you are because it's coming from me.

so i'm swamped with like 5 tables that get sat all at the same time last night (hosts: get your head in the game) and i'm busting my ass as per usual when all of a sudden while i'm trying to remember how to modify the baby back ribs to well done in micros (people: this is an award-winning restaurant, learn how to order a piece of meat) i hear "yeah, gyllenhall fell through so now we're trying to find someone else."

okay, for how many years have i been saying that gyllenhaal is like, ruining all the roles that should be mine. dude, day after tomorrow?? jarhead??? i would've CRUSHED those roles and those flicks would be taking oscars, not playing on showtime on saturday afternoons while i'm all planning my debut at sundance.

so anyway, i check out the four-top and it's these guys in rainbow stripey shirts and architect glasses that look like writers or agents or someone that can afford to order three courses plus martinis made with grey goose. so i give them the best service ever and when i slip the check, BAM - my postcard, complete with all four major factor looks in full color. i printed them myself on my inkjet.

from the looks on their faces, they pretty much knew that the jake should be very, very afraid.

mass hysteria

2006-05-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

ok dudes, sorry i left you hangin' there. first of all i am still waiting to hear from the 'do or die' peeps, they're probably expanding the script to fully capture my awesome talents. like any one film could ever do that. secondly i have been up for roughly 32 hours trying to put together this freaking mass mailing that i have to do to get all my new headshots to all the agents in town because they're all like DON'T CALL US DON'T FAX US DON'T DROP BY.

i know what you're thinking. "factor von factor, why don't you just show up and change their lives in the way only you can." i know dude, but i tried that at a certain agency located at 1501 broadway that shall remain anonymous until my unauthorized biography and they were all like who do you think you are and i'm like factor von factor who else and they're like good now we know to never call you in. whatever.

so now my room's full of manila envelopes and awesome pictures of me and i have like ten paper cuts. i need a halo break.

anyone know any good parties this weekend? i could really use a sweet hookup too if you know of any.

open calls

2006-05-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

dude.
so i went to this open call (at shetler no less - fix the freakin stairs already) for this film called 'do or die' - some action thing being shot upstate by these independent film guys. now normally i wouldn't waste my time on an open call with all those untrained actors and american idol wannabes but i'm between agents right now and plus the role of andrew was clearly written for me. hello, a 'colin farrell type', so i'm like, i'm so in. but they freakin typed me out! there were like 300 people there when i got there and i was only like 15 minutes past the time they started. then the douchebags were all like, there's too many people, we're going to type you. and they just took my headshot and said thanks for coming. yeah, thanks a lot, jerkoffs. you're going to be crying like a baby when i'm all up there with my oscar thanking everyone except you. hold onto that headshot, because it's a reminder of the day you went horribly horribly wrong.

i hope your film goes straight to dvd.

capturing the factor style

2006-05-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

so i picked up my new headshots today from reproductions. i would've had them yesterday but i they were closed when i got there, whatever.

they are so awesome and bound to impress even the most jaded of agents. i got a lot of good film shots where i'm all serious and there's a pretty good one of me looking a lot like a younger and way handsomer patrick dempsey (grey is so HOT). but the mass mailing one has got to be the one where i'm rockin my mirrored aviators. that way people will know i'm like a young tom cruise or mel gibson but way less gay.

watch out, william morris: here comes factor.

introducing: FACTOR

2006-05-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

dudes, what is UP. i am factor von factor. i live in nyc and wait the tables at night at a certain award winning barbeque restaurant that shall at this time remain anonymous, which leaves me free during the days to pound the pavement and give some agent or casting director or other director the chance to discover me and get PAID. act now or forever hold your peace, cuz when charlize hands me my gold boy i am gonna go through everyone in my audition log and shout out a big fat i told y'alls. recognize.