farewell, factor.

you guys, i have been waiting and working but mostly waiting for my big break ever since i graduated tisch* and you guys, i think this is it.

the other day i was surfin' the web as i am prone to do, you know, just checkin for new lolcats and do's and don'ts and whatnot, and i remembered that sometimes they post auditions online so i logged over to good ol' craigslist.

after cruising the missed connections for awhile** i spotted this gig in the talent wanted section:

ARE YOU THE NEXT LEONARDO DICAPRIO?
Ecotainment LLC seeks singer/dancer/actor/improvisers for our upcoming non-Equity world tour: "An Inconceivable Truth: THE MUSICAL!" Please come prepared with 16 bars of a rock ballad and an original monologue on what carbon footprints mean to you. $250 per week plus room and board and the chance to change the world, one non-English-speaking audience at a time.

so i put on my hemp shirt and rolled over to chelsea studios. i walked in and introduced myself and told the accompanist he could take a break, and pressed play on my bose ipod dock and belted out futuresex/lovesound in a way that would make even timberland cry. they were pretty much bowled over and asked me to come back and look over the script. i was like, yeah okay no prob dudes.

but you guys, when i was sitting in the waiting room practicing my lines in various accents, it hit me. we are destroying our earth. you guys this is no joke. every day our cars and planes and factories and golf carts are expelling millions of carbon vapors into the ozone and even wearing sunscreen can't stop it. i don't know about you but i for one am not going to take it any longer.

all of a sudden james lipton appeared to me in a vision: "factor: what was the moment you knew your art was changing people's lives?"

and i knew that moment was now. i mean, then. which was now at the time.

so i said to myself "no day but today" and went in there and read that scene like anthony hopkins meets edward norton meets keanu reeves. needless to say, i booked the part.

so here's the clincher peeps: apparently my ibook was made from socially irresponsible materials so i can't take it on tour. hence, i gotta end the blog.

don't cry for me blog reader. i'm off to more noble pastures. pastures that are organic and full of grass-fed cows.

my mom's really proud but my dad's kinda pissed. he says this time i'm cut off for sure but he always gets irritable around the holidays. he'll understand one day when his retirement home is solar-powered.

***shout outs***

the PIT for teaching me that sometimes you gotta say yes, and.

rockstar games for leading the field in innovative interactive entertainment

harvey weinstein for eventually making me famous

the donald for teaching me the valuable business lesson that it's more important to promote yourself than have a quality product

anthony robbins for helping me to believe

those folks over at capes coaching - i'm not really sure what they do and there's no way i need it anyway, but i got some pretty good print work the past two years as their poster model

***non-shout outs***

all the agents who didn't sign me

chick at barcade last saturday night who gave me a fake number

jake gyllenhaal

ok peace out dudes. and always remember the words of me:

"talent is the whole equation."

the famousest,

factor von factor

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*okay so i have one more class to officially "graduate" and have my "degree" but i still walked at the ceremony and more importantly got the cashmoney from the g'parents so its all good.
**ladies yes that was me on the L train - no need to post just email me direct at factorvonfactor@gmail.com

***comedy comes in threes.

party with me dudes

yo. i know it's been a long time since you heard all about my exciting life and exploits and whatnot so i thought i'd do something rarely done in cyberspace: invite you all to my christmas i mean hanukah i mean holiday party.

here's the deets:

Bar 13

Friday 12/14

5-8pm

13th and University

okay so this isn't really my party it's some acting school's but i heard there was free drinks and food so i'm THERE.

official warning to all turkeys

yo peeps it's day 4 of my starve-till-thanksgiving fast so forgive me if i'm a little grouchy. well ok it's not just that but never mind.

oh okay fine i'll tell you.

so the other day i'm walking around times quare planning on getting discovered and this guy comes up to me and offers me tickets to avenue q on broadway for only like $50 each. so being the consummate businessman i'm like how about $49 each and he's like deal.

so i call up this chick i hang with from time to time (we'll call her persephone) and i'm all like "hey babe factor's taking you out tonight so look real pretty" and she's all "who?" and i'm like "factor - remember we did that showcase together at the fringe back in '03" and she's like "ohhhh" and i'm all "pick you up at 7." chicks always expect dinner these days but you can save a lot of money and hassle by just getting em drinks after the show if you know what i mean.

so we roll up to the theatre and THE SHOW IS NOT PLAYING. something about a strike or something. it was about as annoying as the blackout. needless to say i did not see any action, musical or otherwise, that night.

okay dudes off to connecticut for thanksgiving. probably won't be blogging because my parents internet connection is slower than the l train during rush hour.

24 hour PLAYED

so actorfest was a total bust. i didn't even meet any agents and i woke up late so i didn't get into any of the casting calls. all these people came to my booth but i think they just wanted to mac the homemade chocolate chip cookies i baked all week for the occasion.

but check this dudes. i was walking down 34th street afterward, all dejected because of my capitol-L lame day, sun setting behind me and a maroon 5 song playing off in the distance, when i ran into none other than dan fogler, star of stage and screen and best known for his tony-award winning performance in that musical about kids stressing out about how to spell words and why their families don't love them.

anyways, i was like oh hey you're dan fogler and he was like yeah and i said i'm factor and he said nice to meet you actor and i said no it's factor and he was all okay dude nice to meet you and i was all do you need a co-star and he was like no and so i said please and then he said okay.

so like a whirlwind dream that is the stuff of musical comedies aimed at the tween demographic my first role was to star alongside him at the 24 hour plays on broadway. i looked ridiculous hot as per usual rockin my new awesome hugo boss suit that i got at loehmanns for like 60% off. the press was even hounding us and the new york times was all like "factor we want your autograph and an exclusive and whatnot!"

so then we went to meet with the writers and directors and i guess this was their chance to see who would do what, you know, like how i should obviously play the young dashing male ingenue who doesn't know his own handsomeness and strength. but when we got the scripts i didn't even have any makeout scenes with kristen johnston or hangin' out scenes with chris rock! something clearly had to be done.

you would think as artists they would be open to some brilliant suggestions from a fellow artist, but what really happened is that i got cut from the entire show. i didn't even get tickets to the performance, which i suggested would have been an acceptable severance package.

Dan Fogler, star of “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” on Broadway and “Balls of Fury” on the screen, is a “24 Hours” virgin, he says, and as such, he has conscientiously brought his prop: a three foot tall cardboard cutout of a stick man.
- The New York Times, Monday, October 22, 2007

tomorrow: FACTORFEST

dudes, it is time to lay it all out on the table. the proverbial casting table, as it were.

tomorrow is actorfest, which as everyone knows, is like the super bowl of acting in that there are a lot of people and perhaps concessions. it's where all the nyc actors go to find out what's on the cutting edge of the acting scene, not to mention some very major casting calls by very important networks like nickelodeon and nbc and telemundo. yeah, i speak conversational spanish.



but with all that competition, i had to do something big. yeah dudes, i know what you're thinking: "Factor, you are the cat's meow - won't your good looks and natural talent cause you to stand out from the masses?" well my friends and fans, i appreciate the sentiments but i'm running for famous, so i took out a whole booth, that's right - a whole booth - where i'm gonna have headshots, a raffle contest, and refreshments for all those agents searching high and low for the next great talent.

see it to believe it: booth 101, tomorrow at actorfest.

make that: FACTORFEST.

hasta manana,

fvf

mfa-er

yo dudes. is it just me or is it almost october?

well my nymf show was a total bust as the guy i'm understudying for never got sick or in a horrible accident. i'm so outta there. i should have auditioned for that underwear musical - no, not just cuz i'm mad ripped but because duh i would get to hang with hot chicks in lingerie all rehearsal long.

so what's next for factor von factor? i think i'll get an mfa in acting. are there any one year programs out there? i don't want to waste my youth on academia and whatnot.

what's in for fall? ask factor

i can, without bias or exaggeration, say that BALLS OF FURY may be the best movie in the history of mankind.

looks like JT stole practically my whole summer wardrobe last night on futuresex/loveshow, not to mention all my dance moves and half my girlfriends.

blueray disc players: wave of the future. don't be left behind

itunes alert: mickey avalon is straight dope. and in light of this dude's recreational activities, this is not a figurative statement.

fashion week buzz: whatever i'm wearing is the new black.

entourage season finale: rad as per usual. don't worry vince, you'll get an offer for medellin.

my musical love kills drops in just two weeks at nymf - get your tickets now before the lead guy i'm understudying has an unfortunate accident.

oh, and i booked a hot print modeling campaign - back cover of the ross reports. go out and buy every copy you can find and just get ready to make crazy ebay dough in like ten years. that's just a little investment advice from factor von factor.

over and out.